ANASbeautifuldisaster on Xanga

ANASbeautifuldisaster

Name: Ashley
Country: Please select...
Birthday: 11/28/1987
Gender: Female

Interests: lonely and depressed me

Once upon a time I was 110lbs, but then June of 2005 came and with it came utter disaster.

weight stats:
cw: see entries
sw: 129 lbs
hw: 130 lbs
lw: 107 lbs
ugw: 99 lbs

weight goals:
~~129 lbs~~
~~126 lbs~~
~~123 lbs~~
120 lbs (next goal)
117 lbs
114 lbs
110 lbs
105 lbs
99 lbs

I will not stop until I'm there.

Message: message me
AIM: dontwannabeme17

Member Since: 1/25/2006

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Posting Calendar

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Sunday, July 23, 2006

I feel so ugly and worthless anymore. My boyfriend must be sickened when he screws me. The fat just hangs off of me to the floor. I'm so fat he can barely get my pants and panties off over my bulging hips. I cringe when I think of him looking at other girls. He has wandering eyes. He says he doesnt look at other girls but he does. I see him do it and it crushes my self esteem even more when he does. All I want is to be beautiful and feel beautiful even if its just for him. I want him to desire me and only me. I dont want him to fantasize about beautiful blondes with big natural breaasts and nice legs and stomachs. I want to be the girl in his fantasies. I just want to be gorgeous. He's going to start college soon and he'll be checking out college chicks. I can't take it. I could dump him over this because I'd rather deal with not having him than having him when I know his eyse are wandering and his mind is judging. He says he wont do it but he will. All guys do. It's normal for guys, but most guys have normal girls. Well, Derek doesnt have a normal girl. I promised him though that I will be beautiful. I will lose the weight, firm up, lose the zits and be drop dead gorgeous so he doesnt have to screw a monster anymore.

11:43 PM - 19 views - 6 eprops - 4 comments - email it

Friday, July 21, 2006

New Myspace:

ADD ME!

http://www.myspace.com/isntsomethingmissingx

8:56 PM - 2 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

So things were starting to look good but now not so good. My boyfriend has the lamest job ever. He took it because he only sees money signs. He didn't take my feelings into consideration. He's only been working a few days now and it's already driving me nuts. He leave for work around 6:15pm and comes home at about 7:30am in the morning. So I'm without him all night. Then he sleeps all fucking day. So I hardly see him. I'm going to give this a fair shot but if it gets to be too much I have no choice but to break up with him. If I wasn't working myself it wouldn't be so bad, but I'll hardly be seeing him. And not to mention the fact that we'll hardly get to sleep in the same bed together. And I'll have to sleep in an unfamiliar house in a ghetto town where no one is safe with just myself, a cat, and two puppies. Even if he would choose the morning shift though, we wouldn't see each other much then either. So I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. This relationship might crumble. I don't want it to, but I'm too dependent upon him. It's noon now and he'll still be sleeping for a few more hours. I enjoy the time to myself, but it's ridiculous. If I want to go somewhere early in the day he'll be, "Oh I got to sleep." I can't take it.

Also, all he talks about is his ex girlfriend Shannon. He compares things I do to her, and mentions certain things she does. He says its to show how much better I am, but I still say he wants her back. She dumped him when his feelings for her were still present, so his feelings will always be present. My heart aches whenever he mentions her. And some girl named Amber has contacted him and he's talking to her. I read the email he wrote her, "Oh I dont know how often I'll be online to write..."

Does he love me?

11:52 AM - 3 views - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Monday, July 17, 2006

Moving soon, like this week!!! WHOO! Praise the Lord above. Freedom at last. I've got a salvation.

I still hate my job. Still broke. Still wanting to just check out--kinda. Lonely. Misunderstood. No one cares. Same old shit basically.

I need to cut. It's been AWHILE.

I'm making a website. Just a personal one for self-expression.

10:44 AM - 2 views - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Thursday, July 06, 2006

I'm depressed again. Yep, how lovely it is too.

I don't feel alive anymore. All I do is ache physically and mentally. I'm tired of the worry about it too.

I'm working now. I have to get up early and go most of the time. Then afterwards I have "adult" stuff to do. Like painting or cleaning something or something along those lines. I can't just lay back and chill now. Those days of being a kid are over. Well, I'm not ready for it.

I'm truly scared of being an adult. And as much as I'm looking forward to moving out, I'm still petrified of it. Petrified of paying bills, stocking food, driving myself places, etc. I'm tired of being an adult already.

Payday is tomorrow. It should be a decent paycheck. Maybe this will all pay off then. But even then, I can't enjoy it. 1) It's too hard to spend money when I have it and when I do its usually on food (eww) or junk stuff I really don't need, and 2) I need to tuck it back for moving day since my boyfriend hasn't found a job yet.

Well, I got to go. I'm sitting here with a wethead and I have to leave in about 15 minutes for an 8-1/2 hour work fuckin day. UGHHHHHHH

7:50 AM - 1 view - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Next 5 >>

This staying alive can kill you; it's taking years off of my life	You and I are forever. I cut your name in me. I'm going to bleed us together in crimson harmony...	I cried out with no reply, and I can't feel you by my side	My anger's violent, but still I'm silent when tragedy strikes at home	And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45; swimming through the ashes of another life.
Does anybody care what's going on? Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm	My soul is filled with hate. Can't see through my anger. My self-confidence has been dead for years.How can I live this life?	Hold me now, I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking: Maybe six feet ain't so far down	Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me.Because of you I am afraid	Hold on to me love. You know I can't stay long All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid. Can you hear me? Can you feel me in your arms?